Are you a high-achieving executive and yet feel professionally dissatisfied and unfulfilled?
One of my six pillars of Self-Care is Mindset – “the relation we have with our mind’. We all have an inborn drive to flourish, prosper, experience joy, and vibrantly navigate the world with others. In the Self-Care Goddess podcast episode #62, Amy Eliza Wong shares with us ways to discover meaningful joy and satisfaction in our lives and break free from fears and false perceptions to embody our fullest potential. We must thrive to lead a life of purpose by getting off the proverbial hamster wheel, achieving peace of mind and live with true intention.
Amy, is the founder of Always On Purpose®. She is an executive leadership coach, author, and facilitator. For more than twenty years, Amy has devoted herself to the study and practice of transformation. As a certified executive coach with expertise in transpersonal psychology, design thinking, interpersonal neurobiology, and Conversational Intelligence.
This blog post summarizes just a few of the golden nuggets from our insightful conversation, for the full details listen to the entire episode here or on your favourite podcast platform by searching for the Self-Care Goddess podcast.
Why Are We Hardwired To Have Negative Self-Talk?
In today’s fast-paced and competitive landscape where companies are clamoring for the brightest minds, we can easily fall prey to the nagging question: “Am I really good enough?”
According to Amy, this Self-Doubt mindset is what holds us back from achieving our highest potential and authentically empowering others. It is our Self-Talk and our mind that completely determine our life experience. Most of us blame external factors for our misery while in fact, it’s our inner dialogue that we are constantly struggling with. The good news is that we can choose this inner dialogue. In the process of surviving the craziness of life, a lot of us have a high tolerance level to discomfort, Self-Sabotage and Self-Imposed limitations to the suffering that comes from negative Self-Talk.
Amy’s hypothesis is related with the neurobiology of rejection. She argues that rejection maps ‘the pain matrix’, and registers physical pain in the brain. ‘Rejection is like death to the brain’. All of us are hardwired to be social beings who like to be connected with one another. We are tribal in nature and are meant to be together to ensure a sense of connection, acceptance, belonging and approval. As adults we have an intense fear of judgment and rejection, which determines how we perceive and navigate life to avoid this potential for disconnection. Because of this fear of rejection, we end up forming negative false beliefs about ourselves to make sense of all the significant experiences of perceived rejection. And when we take on these negative Self-Beliefs that feel like rejection, it causes us pain.
I invite you to listen to the Self-Care Goddess Podcast “How to Master Your Mindset & Create Your Dream Life Today?” episode #5, on the Self-Care Goddess Podcast.
What Holds Us Back From Achieving Our Full Potential?
Any of the false limiting beliefs that we have taken on to stay safe from pain and rejection is what holds us back the most. We are constantly trying to keep ourself from acknowledging it and the world from identifying it. To get to the core of this, allow your fear-based brain to give you an answer to the question, “What are you most afraid other people would either find out or decide about you?”
The survival brain will usually answer, “I’m actually not as smart as people think I am; I’m not as worthy; I don’t know what I’m doing; I’m not good enough,” etc. Whatever the answer – it is incredible information because you’ve just discovered what you believe about yourself!
We learn ways to survive and protect ourselves based on childhood experiences. Everything in Amy’s practice is called “always on purpose”. This is about truly being in the driver’s seat of our life, because a lot of us are on autopilot, just dealing and living the habits/ behaviors, replaying the patterns in life without checking or thinking them out. Realize that we all have an opportunity to say, I am going to harness my choices in a new way, where I’m going to choose to respond to life, not react. “React is a re-act” constantly replaying the pattern, instead we should respond after careful thought and consideration.
For some insightful information on “Tantra Self-Care For Women” read my blog post here.
What Is True Self-Confidence?
We discuss in detail about True Confidence and define it as per the following:
- True Confidence is all about the relationship you have with yourself.
- True Confidence is a feeling of not being afraid of judgment or potential failure. There is a sense of security, ease and Self-Reliability.
- True confidence is when you know yourself to be totally whole and complete. Life isn’t threatening or triggering.
For example, when we feel complete, if we make a mistake in a presentation, we’re not threatened.
The key is to choose to truly know ourselves as complete, resourceful, resilient, worthy & deserving. Now we are confident of stepping through life with the attitude “bring it on” because nothing’s threatening for us and we do not seek or need any external validation.
Do you know “How To Build Your Resilience for Better Mental Health?” Listen to the Self-Care Goddess podcast episode #29, on Self-Care Goddess Podcast.
This relationship that we have with ourselves, is determined by the foundation set in our younger years. The attachment styles we had with our parents and the type of experiences, determines how we ultimately take on beliefs about ourselves. The simplicity in that complexity is when we are young, we don’t have a fully developed brain that can bring reason, logic, objectivity and perspective to a situation. We are naturally believing “this is my fault; I must not be a good person; I must not be worthy;”, etc.
We take on the imprint of these beliefs to make sense of how we feel and what’s happening in our lives and eventually we start living these beliefs. As we get older, they are solidifying. Amy believes that this solidifying is not permanent, but they become very rigid and eventually we take it as own personal reality.
What Is “Imposter Syndrome”?
The lack of true confidence is the basis of the imposter syndrome that people fear. In no way do we want to be super arrogant in the ‘I can do anything’, attitude. We can acquire skills and knowledge, but it is our inherent wholeness upon which we build skills and knowledge. When that inherent value is questioned, that’s when we have imposter syndrome, versus a healthy questioning of do “I have all the right skills?”. The truth is we can’t know everything. Simply know yourself and your strengths and weaknesses, be comfortable with knowing and saying, “I’m really good at these functions and I’m not so good at these functions”. Nobody is 100%. So, hire someone for what you are not good at, close the gaps and humanize the whole situation. As a result, everybody’s at ease. People with a strong ego will definitely not be able to perceive this as a learning point and they’ll see it as a threat. Be more knowing versus believing, to get rid of the imposter syndrome.
I invite you to read my blog post “Self-Awareness: The Key To YOUR Wellbeing”.
3 Steps Towards True Confidence
Amy invites us to read her book ‘Living on Purpose’, subtitled ‘5 deliberate choices to realize fulfillment and joy’. For True Self-Confidence we take on five perceptual shifts, that will stop the habit of Self-Imposed limitations, Self-Sabotage and Self-Suffering. Amy has enlisted 5 perceptual shifts as a process to realize – everything’s a choice. Mindset is how we choose and where we focus our level of action. I believe it is extremely benefitable to be grateful. We must develop an attitude of gratitude because being grateful for everything helps us to choose happiness. When we choose happiness, we feel high due to the resulting good vibrating frequency associated with happiness. Here are some steps towards true confidence:
- You have to care more about how you feel. Be more sensitive to how you feel and what is going on in your mind. If you’re not feeling the way you want to be feeling, that’s a cue.
- Catch the times when you’re not feeling great.
- Grab the remote of your life and change channel. Ask- what can I focus on in my mind that would take me away and have me thinking about something more productive that makes me feel better?
Knowing a belief is completely predicated on proof. For example, if I have a belief, I’m a good person – behind that statement are all the reasons why to back it up. Someone might say but you’re not a good person – you were late to the call/ you did this etc. so in belief is this duality. Beliefs require conditions – if we have beliefs about ourselves, we require proof. However, the moment you require proof to validate any belief, you are on a volatile conditional roller coaster which is then an unwinnable exhausting game. Belief is a choice and it’s totally unconditional, you just choose. This is how all relationship with self happens, and this is how we can nurture our true confidence.
For free guided meditation videos and Breathwork demonstrations subscribe to my YouTube channel.
Take Home Message
In life it’s not about figuring it out, it’s about feeling it out. If you truly want to find the path of most abundance, we must feel our way into it. We must feel into what feels expansive, versus figure our way into what seems like the right thing to do. Behind every single desire is a feeling state. When we are not living on purpose with a logical and solid reasoning for our choices then we end up creating lives that look great on paper and yet wonder why are feeling so hollow and like “I haven’t arrived?”. This is because you haven’t been feeling it out. Afterall, there is no right decision. There’s only a decision. Our job is to pick something and live it the best. Take off the pressure of regretting things, regret is just hope for a different past and the silliest thing that we put ourselves through.
Connect with Amy:
Listen to the full podcast episode #62 on the Self-Care Goddess Podcast.
I look forward to connecting with you and learning more about your story and your health and wellness goals. Schedule a FREE introduction call here.